


Can't Breathe Without You

by KrisLetang



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Barson, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Pneumonia, Sass, Sickfic, Sleepy Cuddles, Ventilator, Whining, snarkiness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-13
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-10-09 13:36:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17407883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrisLetang/pseuds/KrisLetang
Summary: Rafael doesn't see a doctor when he's feeling ill, and consequently, Liv has to sit by his side in the hospital and take care of him.





	Can't Breathe Without You

**Author's Note:**

> This is for Jules who loves angsty sickfics. I hope you all enjoy, and as always, I love comments :)

Rafael’s head was swimming. He swallowed, his throat stinging sharply. He was taking notes on a file that Carisi had dropped off an hour earlier. He didn’t have time to be sick or to go home, so he pushed the discomfort out of his mind. He had been feeling under the weather for a few days, but he couldn’t afford to miss work during an important case or at all really. He took two Advil from the drawer in his desk, swallowing a glass of water to try and make himself feel better. He was knee deep in his paperwork when there was a knock on the door. He looked up, seeing Liv standing there, a soft smile on her face. “Hey you,” she said softly. He discretely pushed the pile of tissues off his desk and into the trash. 

“Hi,” he whispered. 

“You don’t look so hot,” she said, and he smiled. He should have known she would notice. She was a detective after all. “Well, you always look hot, but you seem sick, why don’t you come on home?” 

“My apartment or yours?” he asked softly, not putting up a fight. He really wasn’t feeling well, and he was too tired to put up a fight. He would just have to put in extra work tomorrow. Liv came closer, rubbing his shoulders gently. 

“Let’s go to yours,” she said, and he smiled. “How bad do you feel?” 

“Mm, could be worse,” he said. “Just a little cold. I’ll be over it tomorrow.” 

“I’ve got a bubble bath and a movie with your name on it,” Liv whispered, and Rafael smiled. “And maybe a little something else if you feel up to it.” He swiveled in his chair, pressing his face against her shirt, and she gently threaded her fingers in his hair. 

“You’re the best,” he whispered, and she was smiling when he pulled back. 

“I know,” Liv whispered. “Come on.” She pulled him up to his feet, and he rose with a grunt, grabbing his jacket and slipping it on. He was cold. Liv took his hand, pulling him down to a car, and he was more than ready for his bubble bath. 

…………………………..

Rafael was laying in the dark, Liv in his arms, and she was out cold. He felt uncomfortable, a warm feeling beneath his skin. Somehow he felt blazing hot but freezing at the same time. Liv had pampered him all evening with the bubble bath, straddling him on the couch afterward and ravishing him before turning on a movie to go along with their take out. Round two hadn’t been until she ushered him into bed. He ran his hand over Liv’s back, over his own dress shirt that she pulled on while he was still gasping for breath and trying to recover from his climax. Liv had fallen asleep rather quickly, but he was having trouble breathing through his nose with all the congestion, and his throat was stinging, making it hard to swallow. He was uncomfortable enough that it was making it hard for him to sleep, so he kept his eyes on Liv. She made him so happy. 

It had taken them forever to finally admit their feelings, to step out onto that shaky limb, but he hadn’t looked back since. He loved the quiet nights that were spent in each other’s arms, soft conversations over dinner, Liv’s bare skin in the moonlight. It was special, unlike anything he’d ever felt before. It was still somewhat new. They were still finding their footing, but he didn’t doubt that Liv felt the same. He never wanted to go back. 

……………………….

Rafael had a thudding headache as he finished his closing statement, and he felt like he was going to fall asleep on his feet. He was more than ready to go curl up at home for a nap. He could feel Liv behind him, watching, and knowing she was there to support him was something he valued. When the judge dismissed them, he was so grateful. He needed to get some sleep. Liv had to shake him awake that morning as he slept through his alarms. Multiple alarms. She had jostled him until he finally got up, looking at her blearily. He knew she was a little bit worried about him, but he assured her it was only a bad cold before he went and took a hot shower, hoping to clear his sinuses with some of the steam. He had to drink twice his usual amount of coffee so he could stay awake. 

He was supposed to take Liv out to dinner, but he was going to see if she wanted to reschedule. He didn’t want to duck out on her, but he didn’t think she would have too much fun with him when he was so exhausted. He packed up his briefcase, sniffling as he tried to breathe through his stuffy nose. He needed a tissue. Liv was waiting for him by the elevator, and she put a soft hand on his shoulder. “You did great in there,” she said softly, and he nodded, feeling warmth spreading in his chest. 

“I think maybe we should reschedule dinner,” he whispered. “I’m not going to be much fun. I’m just going to get some sleep I think. I’ll take you somewhere really nice next week.” 

“No problem,” Liv said, looking concerned. She started to reach out to feel his forehead, but he jerked back a little bit. 

“I’m going to take some medicine and get some sleep, and I’ll be good as new tomorrow,” he promised. Liv frowned. 

“Look, Rafa, maybe you should see a doctor. You really don’t look very good. You’ve been sick all week,” Liv said, but he shook his head. 

“I’m fine, really. I’ll see you tomorrow. I’ll make dinner up to you, I promise,” he said, and Liv sighed but nodded. 

“Alright,” she said. “I’ll see you tomorrow. I love you.” 

“Love you too,” he whispered, laying a hand over hers where it covered his cheek. She pressed a soft kiss against his forehead before heading into the elevator. They parted at the street, Liv heading to her car and Rafael going to find a cab. He had to run to get in one that someone had just vacated, and when he slid into the back, his chest felt really tight. It felt like he was breathing through a straw as he put a hand out to brace himself against the door. 

“Hey buddy, are you alright?” the driver asked. 

“Yeah,” Barba wheezed, barely able to speak. “Just a little sick.” He managed to grit out his address before he focused on getting enough air in once more. He was gasping, his vision swimming slightly, coughs jerking his body forward. He finally managed to stop hacking up a lung, sitting in the back of the car, feeling like a zombie. He sniffled, wishing he had a tissue or some ibuprofen. All he had was the sumatriptan he kept in his bag in case he started to get a massive migraine. When the man finally pulled up in front of his building, Rafael handed him some cash, pulling his coat tighter around himself as he got out. He felt dizzy as he made his way inside. 

“Evening Mr. Barba,” the doorman said, holding it open for him. He was sweating as he walked inside. He started toward the elevator, stopping short when he saw the out of service sign. He wanted to give the building manager a piece of his mind. He paid enough for his apartment that the elevator shouldn’t be out of service. He grumbled under his breath as he started for the stairs, feeling a bit weak and shaky on his feet. He had to hold the railing as he trudged up the steps, cursing his decision to live on the fourth floor the whole way up. He couldn’t breathe again by the time he was halfway up, and he worried briefly that he might be having a heart attack, but he brushed that thought away, blaming it on his congestion. He would take a hot shower and go straight to bed, and then he would feel so much better when he woke up. He barely made it to his door without collapsing, his vision so blurry, he could barely see straight. He managed to get the door open with great difficulty, collapsing on the couch once he got inside. He needed to catch his breath before he tried to do anything else. He started to cough and wheeze for breath, and he couldn’t seem to stop or get enough air in. His throat and his chest were aching as his body shook violently. Every time he took a deep breath, his chest ached heavily.

He dragged himself back to the shower even as he was still hacking up a lung. He turned it to hot, pulling his clothes off as he sucked in air. He finally managed to get ahold of himself once he was under the warm spray, and he sighed, feeling some of the congestion clear up. He felt terrible though. He went back out to the couch after pulling on some flannel pajama pants and a teeshirt. Rafael took a heavy seat on the couch, leaning back and trying to relax. His head was thudding again, but he felt like he could breathe a little better. He turned on the tv, trying to relax, but he was struggling. He was a little bit cold, so he pulled a blanket down, feeling himself starting to drift off. He didn’t have the energy to resist or to stand up. All he could do was shut his eyes and let the darkness consume him. 

……………………..

Rafael’s eyes felt like they were glued together, and he could barely pry them open. He felt like a zombie, his head swimming. His mouth was hanging open because that was the only way he could breathe. It took him a few moments to realize his phone was blaring on the floor where it had fallen at some point during the night. He reached for it, his body aching, and he managed to turn the alarm off before he realized he was late. He needed to rush, but he could barely stand up. He started coughing on his way back to his bedroom where he stripped. He put on the first suit that he could find in his closet, and he washed his face and did his hair as fast as he could, coughing for minutes at a time. His chest hurt so bad. It felt like there was an elephant sitting on his chest. It felt like he may have broken his ribs, each breath bringing new agony. 

He grabbed his coat, filling a travel mug with coffee before he headed out the door. The cold air made it so much worse. He dialed Carmen’s number, waiting for her to pick up. “Where are you?” she asked, her voice a low hiss. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, his voice extremely nasal. He hated how it sounded. “I’m not feeling great, I overslept. I’m on my way.” 

“SVU has been calling me, Lieutenant Benson needs to speak with you,” Carmen said. 

“Okay,” he said, redirecting the cabbie to the precinct. “Thanks, Carmen, I’ll be at the office in an hour.” He hung up after that, resting his head as they headed toward the precinct. When he got out, he felt dizzy, and he found himself coughing again. He was swaying in his feet in the elevator, coughing so hard into his arm that he thought he might throw up. The cough had been getting so bad in the week since he first started feeling sick that it was keeping him up at night. When he made it into SVU, he focused on Liv’s door. He just needed to get there. As he was walking, his vision started tunneling, and he cleared his throat, pulling at the collar of his shirt. He was cold, but he could feel sweat dripping down his back, and his throat felt tight like his chest, like he was breathing through a coffee stirrer. 

“Barba, are you okay?” He recognized the voice, but he couldn’t connect it with a person. He thought it was Sonny. 

“Fine,” he mumbled. He kept his feet moving, trying to just make it into Liv’s office. 

“I’ll pour you a coffee,” the same voice said, but Rafael couldn’t find the energy to respond. He made it into Liv’s office finally, and she was sitting behind her desk. She looked up, her eyes widening.   
“Jesus, are you alright? You look like hell?” she asked. He didn’t answer right away, coughing loudly as he tucked his face against his elbow. He took a few steps, grabbing at one of the chairs in front of her desk, dropping his briefcase on top of it. He braced himself with a hand curled around the back, his head spinning. 

“I slept through my alarm,” he whispered, and Liv took a step toward him. It looked like there were two of her, and he only had a moment to consider why he was seeing double, his hand resting over his aching chest before he could feel his back against something solid, a blurry figure kneeling over him as his world faded to black. 

…………………….

Everything was a blur. He opened his eyes, seeing Liv’s face. He could feel her hand stroking through his hair, a cool sensation against his lips and nose, something resting over his face. He couldn’t move. His vision was impeded by black spots, but he knew Liv was there. He could hear her voice. “It’s going to be okay,” she whispered, but he could hear the emotion in her voice. She was crying. He reached for her free hand, his muscles feeling weak and shaky, but he managed to curl his fingers around her own. “Oh honey,” she whispered. “You’re burning up.” He wanted to reply, to tell her he was alright, to reassure her, but his chest was hurting so bad, and he could barely breathe. He was so dizzy, so he let himself shut his eyes once more. 

The next time he opened his eyes, he was staring at the ceiling of an unfamiliar room, faces leaning over him, looking at him. He still felt like he could barely breathe. He felt a soft squeeze around his hand and he tried to squeeze back, but he could barely manage. He looked back and forth at the unfamiliar faces, panic welling up in his chest, making it feel even tighter somehow. “Rafael, look at me.” His wide eyes darted around until they landed on Liv. “It’s okay,” she whispered, obviously noticing his distress. “I’m right here, not going anywhere, and you’re going to be okay.” 

“Liv,” he tried to say, but it came out muffled and garbled.

“Don’t try to talk. Everything is alright,” Liv promised, smoothing some hair back from his forehead. His skin was damp and sticky, and Liv’s hand felt freezing against it. She made him feel so much better. The unfamiliar people,  _ doctors _ , his hazy brain finally supplied, left him alone after a lot of fussing, and then he could focus on Liv. He looked at her with wide eyes. “You’re at the hospital, you passed out, you idiot,” Liv said, and her anger caught him off guard. “I cannot believe you hid this from me. When you get out of this hospital, I’m going to kick your ass.” He squeezed her hand again. “And if you even think about dying, I’ll bring you back just to kick your ass again.” He felt a laugh bubbling up inside of him, but it just sent him into a coughing fit. It made his entire body ache as he convulsed. Liv rubbed his arm, and he wanted to turn and talk to her, to say something funny that would make her laugh, but he couldn’t talk. He could barely move. “You should have told me you were feeling so horrible. You should have let me help. That’s what I’m here for.” She moved over to take a seat on the edge of the bed beside him. He felt tears pricking his eyes. He felt horrible. He knew he shouldn’t have hidden it, but he was so used to being alone, to taking care of himself. He wanted to apologize, but he couldn’t. “Shut your eyes,” Liv whispered. “Get some rest. We can talk about this when you feel better.” He rested his head against her thigh, shutting his eyes and allowing himself to begin to drift off. 

…………………….

It was dark when he woke up again, in a world of pain. He was sobbing, hot, angry tears rolling down his cheeks. He wanted to swear, to call for Liv, to scream, but all he could do was sit there and cry, gasping for air through an oxygen mask that made him feel claustrophobic. “Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Liv said, and he leaned into her touch. “You need to calm down,” Liv said. “Calm down and breathe.” He clenched his fist because he couldn’t breathe. His chest hurt so bad. It was like a fire burning under his ribs, and he squeezed his eyes closed, trying to get ahold of himself. “Rafael, look at me,” Liv whispered. “Deep breaths.” He scrambled to grab her arm, writhing around in pain. His head was feeling airy, a burning sensation making him want to scream. Liv was whispering to him, but he couldn’t hear anymore. He couldn’t make out her words, it was just her voice. 

He saw unfamiliar faces, the doctors again, coming to look at him. They leaned down over his face, but he couldn’t read their lips and he sure as hell couldn't hear them through the panic. Then he started feeling warm, his body relaxing as he drifted off. 

……………………..

Rafael could feel something lodged down his throat, but he couldn’t move. He could hear soft voices in the room, but he couldn’t seem to open his eyes. He felt like he was choking, like he couldn’t breathe, and he started to feel the panic from before overtaking him. He couldn’t speak, all that came out were soft whimpers, and he was gagging, trying his best to move, but his muscles felt weak. “Rafael, hey, honey, it’s okay.” There was a soft pause. “Are you sure he can hear me?”  _ Yes, I can.  _ It was Liv, and he wanted to reach for her, to see her, to ask her to never stop talking. He wanted to know why he felt like he was choking, but he couldn’t speak, and he felt tears starting to well up. “I’m right here. It’s all going to be okay.” Liv’s soft voice did help him to stop struggling so much. He focused on her, and soon, he was slipping back into darkness. 

…………………….

He could feel soft fingers in his hair, and it was comforting. It was cold in the room, and he wanted a blanket, but he still couldn’t speak. He still had no control over himself. He felt air being forced into his lungs and it felt so unnatural. The only thing that Rafael wanted was to go home. There was this horrible feeling of dread deep in his abdomen. It was festering and worsening with every passing moment. “They said you might be able to hear me.” It was Liv again. “I’m right here, and you better come out of this. You better be okay or I’m going to kill you Rafael, I swear to God. You don’t get to do this to me.” He wanted to tell her that he was sorry, that he never meant to scare her so bad, but he couldn’t do anything but lay there and listen. “Your Mom is going to come visit again tomorrow. Maybe you’ll be awake then.”  _ I’m awake now. _ “I’ll be back. I’m just going to get some coffee.” He felt her soft lips pressing against his forehead, and he wanted to stop her.  _ Please don’t go. Please don’t leave me alone. _ It was too late. She was gone. 

…………………..

It felt like it had been days since he heard Liv’s voice. He had no idea if she was still there, if she was asleep. He had no idea what was going on. He was slipping in and out of awareness, and he was trying not to panic when he was awake. The lack of control was hard. He was terrified and anxious constantly. He felt like he was going to die. His mouth was as dry as a desert, and he wanted a glass of water. His throat hurt. His whole body hurt if he was being honest. He was tired of it. He focused on opening his eyes, and nothing happened. He kept trying, refusing to give up. He finally managed to break whatever seal seemed to be on his eyelids, but he quickly closed them again, the light shooting daggers into his head. He took a few moments before looking around again, and it was a little bit more bearable. He couldn’t really turn his head or see much, but his eyes were open and he considered that a victory. He could see the tube that was coming from his mouth, and he had to try to keep a handle on himself. His chest was starting to feel tight again, and he needed to get up, to move, to get the damn thing out of his mouth. “Woah, Rafael, hey, calm down.” He didn’t recognize the voice. “I know this is scary, but you’re going to be okay.” A face hovered over him, and again, he didn’t recognize it at all. “I’m one of your nurses. You’re alright. Just try to relax into it. Go back to sleep.” He didn’t want to go back to sleep, but the exhaustion was pulling at him again, and keeping himself awake felt impossible. He finally gave in to the pull. 

…………………

“I just want to see your eyes, Rafa.” It was the first thing he heard. It was Liv’s voice, a comfort that meant so much to him. He wanted to look at her. “I love your gorgeous, green eyes, your smile, your big hands, your strong arms that always make me feel safe. I love your cologne, your suits, and I really love the suspenders, especially when you wore them with your boxers cause I asked.” He wanted to laugh, but he couldn’t do anything. “I love you, I know I yelled at you for trying to organize my closet by color, but I love how particular you are, how you have a seat in restaurants where you always sit, how you are always prepared. I love how much you care, how much you give to the job. Rafael, I love every part of you. You can’t leave me, please, please don’t. I just want to see your eyes.” He strained, trying to pull together enough strength to do as she asked. He wanted to give her that. Liv hadn’t left his side almost at all, and he knew that it would be unbearable if she wasn’t with him. He couldn’t magically make himself better, but he thought that he could open his eyes. It took so much effort, but he finally managed to do what he wanted, light assaulting his eyes. It was just as jarring as the first time he tried it. He couldn’t see anything at first, but then he heard Liv’s soft gasp, and she was looking down at him, stroking his cheek gently. He wanted to look at her forever. “Thank you,” she whispered so softly, he had to read it from her lips. “Oh, honey, thank you. I love you so much.” _I love you too. I’d never leave you._ _I’m okay._ There were so many things he wanted to say, things he would have already said if there wasn’t a plastic tube shoved down his throat. _I’m sorry I did this to you._ There were tears streaming down her cheeks, and he felt tears welling up in his own eyes. He felt her take his cold hand between her own, rubbing gently to warm him up. “You have to get better.” _I promise I’ll fight like hell._ He prayed that Liv could read him. She usually could. Somehow she always knew what he was thinking, what he wanted to say. “I love you so much.” It was the last thing he heard before he couldn’t hold back the exhaustion anymore. 

…………………..

Rafael jerked awake, pain clouding his thoughts. He wanted to scream. His body was shaking, everything hurting. Every breath was agony. He searched desperately for Liv, knowing that if he could catch her gaze, she would help. She would make it stop. He started gagging a little bit, and then, finally, he saw Liv. “Shh,” she whispered. “They reduced your pain meds. Try to relax. Look at me, relax.”  _ I’m trying. _ “You’re okay.” 

“Rafael, hi,” another voice said, and it took him a moment to locate the source. There was a man leaning over him, a soft smile on his face. “We’re lowering your sedation. I know you aren’t feeling the best right now, but I need you to try and relax and let the machine breathe for you. Fighting it will only make it worse. We’re going to try and take you off of it sometime soon.” He was more than grateful for that. 

“It’s almost over baby,” Liv whispered. “Just hold on for me.” He tried to relax his muscles, but it was hard. Anytime he moved, he felt hyper aware of the ventilator.  _ Liv, it hurts.  _ He could feel the warm tears on his cheeks. The tubing moved with him every time he shifted at all, and it felt like it might come off at any moment. If it did, he wouldn’t be able to breathe. Then, Liv was seated next to him again, stroking her fingers through his hair, kissing his forehead, her fingers sliding between his own. She was helping him to calm down, and that helped with the pain. He knew if she would stay with him, he was stubborn enough to make it through this. He wouldn’t ever give up on her. 

“We’re going to up the pain medication a little bit,” the doctor said. “I don’t want you to be in so much discomfort. Eventually, we’re going to do a test to see if you can come off the ventilator, but for now, I want you to try to relax.” He squeezed Liv’s hand.  _ I can do this. _ Her brown eyes looked down at him with love and understanding. 

“You can do this,” she whispered. 

………………………….

“I am not yet twenty-one. I am to be cast up and down among these men and women, with their twitching faces, with their lying tongues, like a cork on a rough sea. Like a ribbon of weed I am flung far every time that door opens. The wave breaks. I am the foam that sweeps and fills the uttermost rims of the rocks with whiteness; I am also a girl, here in this room.” 

Liv’s voice was soft as she read from the book she’d picked up from his apartment. Her voice was so soothing to him. It helped with the anxiety that had been plaguing him almost constantly. It was hard to be awake with the machine breathing for him. It was hard to stay calm, to let it do its job. She had been thoughtful enough to pick a book from his extensive collection, one of his favorites in fact, and of course, she knew that.  

“How do you like this?” Liv asked, pulling him back to her voice. “It’s so sad.”  _ It’s so real.  _ He wanted to tell her all about it, but all he could do was stare at her. He wanted to tell her that one of his English teachers, his favorite teacher, in fact, had given him the book in high school. She had been the one to see Rafael’s potential, to push him towards something more for himself, and challenging him with books such as  _ The Waves,  _ the book Liv held in her hands, had been just what he needed. It was just what he needed now as well. The familiar words soothed him, Liv’s voice making him relax. Then her fingers were sifting through his hair again, and he felt tears welling up in his eyes. He hated this, hated not being able to move or speak. He still felt awful, and all he wanted was to be home in his pajamas, in Liv’s arms. “I know this is hard,” Liv whispered, drying his cheeks. “You’re almost done. We’ll be home soon.”  _ And then you’ll kick my ass. _ He knew it was coming. She was going to deck him for hiding the sickness from her. He just hoped she might cuddle him afterward and ice his black eye. 

……………………..

“Your x-ray shows progress. We’re going to put you on minimal ventilator support for a half hour, and if you can last that long without starting to desat, we should hopefully be able to extubate sometime tonight or tomorrow morning. Can you sign these consent forms?” the doctor asked. Rafael barely felt like he could move his hand, but he forced himself to lift it and scribble his name on the line. He was more than ready to leave. He was terrified to try breathing without the help of the ventilator, but he was more terrified that he might be dependant on it for the rest of his life. Liv was seated on the edge of his bed once more, and he tried to pull himself together. She took his hand as they started unhooking the ventilator. They were going to suction the tube, and he hated when they did that. It felt like he couldn’t breathe. He could feel them feeding the catheter into his endotracheal tube, and then he could feel the suction. He coughed, clutching at Liv until they were finished. “Good, this is good. I think that your breathing trial will go well. Rest for about thirty minutes, and then we’ll be back to start.” 

“Thank you,” Liv said softly before turning to Rafael. “You’re almost there Rafa, and then they said they want to get you home as soon as possible. It’s almost over.”  _ Thank God. _ He listened to her voice as she talked to him, keeping him relaxed until it was time. 

When the doctor returned, Rafael felt his anxiety increasing. He squeezed Liv’s hand as they unhooked him again, connecting him to some more tubing. “This is called a T piece. We’re just going to see how you do on this for a half hour, and if it goes well, we’ll take you off the ventilator soon.” Rafael wished they would give him more specific guidelines. He hated feeling like he didn’t know what he had to do. His chest started feeling tight after a couple moments, and he started to feel panic rising inside of him. “Okay, it’s okay, try deep breaths. You’re alright.” Rafael was trying, but he didn’t feel like he was getting enough air. 

“Rafa, try to relax. You’re panicking,” Liv said. “I’m right here, I know you can do this.” Her words helped him to get ahold of himself, and he tried to relax, to let himself just breathe in and out, and slowly, the tightness faded some. Liv started just talking to him, and he focused on her voice. That kept him grounded even when he was scared. As he went more and more time, he started to feel less anxious, and it was easier and easier. It actually surprised him how fast the doctor put him back on the ventilator. It hadn’t really felt like thirty minutes after he made it through the initial part. Rafael had to make himself relax again once he was back on the ventilator, but he comforted himself with the fact that he would be completely off of it soon.

………………………….

Rafael’s throat felt scratchy and sore. He blinked away the exhaustion, opening his eyes and blinking a few times. He swallowed, stopping and he couldn’t stop the smile that spread across his face. “Hey, you.” He turned his head, so grateful to be free of all the tubing that had been restricting him for what felt like forever. 

“Hi.” It hurt to speak, but he couldn’t help himself when he saw Liv’s face. He needed to say something to her. “I love you.” His voice was hoarse and soft, and he knew he wouldn’t be able to speak much, but it was worth it. 

“I love you too, you moron,” Liv said, tears welling up in her beautiful brown eyes. 

“Are you still going to kick my ass?” he croaked, and Liv laughed, leaning her face down against his chest. 

“You heard that?” she asked softly, and he nodded. “I stand by what I said,” she whispered. “Maybe when we get you home.” 

“So you can land me right back here?” he whispered, and she laughed again, putting a finger over his mouth. 

“Quiet down. You don’t want to overexert yourself,” Liv said. He nodded, resting back against his pillow, enjoying the freedom that he now had. There was cool air tickling his nostrils, and he spotted the thin tubing. He would rather have a cannula than the ET tube from earlier. “Are you thirsty?” she asked, and he nodded. She handed him a cup, and he sipped water from the straw. “Everything is going to be okay now.” He felt better than he had in what felt like forever. 

…………………………

They forced him to let someone push him down to Liv’s car in a wheelchair. Liv bundled him up in so many layers, he felt like the Pillsbury Doughboy, and he sat in the wheelchair feeling dependant and annoyed. Liv leveled him with glare when he tried to object, so he had no choice but to cooperate. He was glad Liv was the one taking him down to the car, a blanket tucked around his legs. He was exhausted. They told him he would be. Liv helped him get into the car, holding the door for him as he slid in, buckling his seatbelt. “Are you cold?” she asked. He sniffled. 

“Maybe a little,” he said, and she got him another blanket from the back of the car. 

“I’ll be right back,” she said. 

“Can you turn the heat up?” he asked. “And put my seat back? My head hurts.” 

“Sure,” Liv said, adjusting the heat and helping to lean him back. Then she left to take the chair back inside. When she came back, he shifted around uncomfortably. 

“Will you get me french fries?” he asked. 

“French fries?” Liv asked, looking at him skeptically as she shifted the car into drive. 

“All I’ve had to eat is hospital food,” he grumbled. 

“I thought your throat was hurting,” Liv said. He glared. 

“Well maybe a milkshake will help with that. I want fries,” Rafael said again. Liv rolled her eyes. 

“Fine,  _ your highness _ , I’ll get you fries,” Liv said. Rafael tried to relax during the car ride, but his body was achy. He felt cold and tired, and he was coughing every few minutes, dissolving into fits where mucus would come up, and he’d need a tissue to spit it in. Liv pulled over, turning the car off, but he whined. 

“But I’ll be cold,” he whispered. 

“Fine, but if someone takes the car and you with it, I’m not coming after you,” she replied, laughing. She locked the car, and he leaned back against his seat. He turned the radio on, wanting to listen to something. It wasn’t too long before she came back, handing him a bag after he unlocked the door for her. 

“Where’s my milkshake?” he asked. Liv stopped in the middle of pulling the seat belt across herself. 

“What flavor?” she asked after a few moments of tense silence. 

“Vanilla,” he said. Liv got back out of the car, and he took a bite of one of the french fries, wincing slightly. His throat still hurt, but he wasn’t going to admit that to Liv. She was back in a couple minutes, and he took the shake, sipping it, and the ice cream helped to soothe his throat some. “Liv,” he whispered, feeling like he needed to get all the clothes off his body. “I’m hot.” She turned the heat down, and he went back to his food, but the milkshake was cold and he drank it too fast because his throat hurt, and then he had a headache. “Ow, my head.” 

“Jesus, please tell me you didn’t give yourself brain freeze,” Liv said, and he didn’t respond. 

“I’m cold,” he finally said. Liv turned the heat back up. 

“It’s like you’re two,” she said, and he snorted a little bit, eating another fry, but he started to cough before he could swallow it. Once he started coughing, he couldn’t stop, spewing half eaten fry bits all over himself. He felt Liv’s hand on his back, patting and rubbing gently. “Rafa, breathe. I’m going to get your inhaler.” He put a hand up. 

“I’m fine,” he croaked. “Just choking on a french fry.” 

“I don’t feel bad for you,” Liv said, and he scowled at her, still trying to suck breath in. He finally managed to stop the hacking, leaning against the window to cool his face down. 

“Liv,” he whined. “Now I’m hot again.” He hadn’t ever seen Liv roll her eyes so hard.

………………………….

“Why don’t you live on a lower floor?” Rafael grumbled. 

“Stop complaining,” Liv said, grabbing his arm and dragging him along with her. 

“But my feet hurt. I want to lay down,” he said, pouting. Liv unlocked the apartment door. 

“Then get your ass inside,” she said, pushing him in. He glowered, taking a seat on the sofa. “Law down.” 

“I’m bored. I want to watch tv. There was nothing good on in that damn room,” Rafael whispered. Liv handed him the remote, grabbing a blanket and shoving it into his arms. He was a little taken back by the anger. “Liv, come on, are you mad?” 

“No, I’m not mad,” she said, gritting her teeth. It wasn't convincing at all. 

“You can’t be mad at me. I’m sick,” he said, crossing his arms. He was provoking her on purpose now. 

“I can be mad at you because you’re an idiot. You did this to yourself. How the hell could you wait so long to see a doctor?” she asked. “You almost died.” She needed to scream at him. He knew it was coming. “I had to sit there in that hospital room with you, wondering if I’d ever get to talk to you again, if I’d hear your voice.” She shoved him a little bit. It wasn’t hard at all, but it was enough to display her anger. “I had to call your mother and tell her you were on your god damned death bed, Rafael.” 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, letting her say whatever she needed.  

“I was so ready to wring your neck in that hospital bed,” she said angrily. “Rafa, you better never, ever do that to me again.” 

“I promise, Liv, trust me, this an experience I don’t ever want to repeat,” he said. She seemed placated by that, and she leaned down to kiss him. He tipped his chin up to meet her, but she pressed a kiss to his cheek instead. 

“You’re not sharing the plague with me,” she whispered, and he pouted. 

“I almost died,” he said, his voice whiny again. “I want kisses.” 

“No,” Liv said, smirking at him and heading into the kitchen. He huffed, crossing his arms and turning his attention to the tv. 

……………………… 

“Liv,” he called, feeling tired and comfy on the couch. He had finally managed to find a position where his whole body was adequately covered by the blanket, and he could see the tv. “Liiiv!” 

“Jesus, what?” she asked, appearing in a towel. 

“I’m hungry,” he said. 

“And I’m not your maid,” she replied. 

“But I’m comfy,” Rafael whispered. “And I’m tired, so tired and weak.” She couldn’t help but laugh at his theatrics. He knew she probably wasn’t used to this. He was nothing if not independent on a regular basis. 

“What do you want?” she asked. 

“I don’t know,” Rafael replied, and Liv gave him a look. 

“Fine, you’re getting soup,” she said, and he let out a dramatic sigh. 

“It better be chicken noodle,” he said back and he could practically feel her rolling her eyes as she headed down the hallway to get dressed. 

“Whatever you say,” Liv said once she was in the kitchen, and he smiled to himself. She was doing so much for him. He would have to thank her once this was all over. 

“Do you want to watch a movie?” he asked. 

“Maybe when I’m done feeding you,” Liv replied. He sighed, watching his tv show again until she came in with the bowl, holding it out, but he gave her puppy dog eyes. He knew he was milking it. 

“But then my hands will be cold,” he said. 

“You want me to feed you?” she asked, and he smiled softly. She sighed, taking a seat on the edge of the couch. She held out a spoonful to him, and he tried it, sputtering when it burned his lips. 

“Ow,” he whined. “That’s hot.” 

“Sorry,” she whispered. She blew on the next spoonful before lifting it to his mouth. He finished the soup rather fast, glad that it soothed his throat. Liv set the bowl aside when he was done, making him scoot over on the couch so she could sit too. Eventually, they ended up spooning with him safely nestled into Liv’s arms. Liv slid her hand beneath his shirt, holding it against the smooth skin of his belly. “I love you,” she whispered. 

“I love you too,” he replied, feeling drowsy. He blinked a few times before he shut his eyes, letting himself drift off. 

………………………

Rafael jolted awake, coughing. His chest hurt as he tried to lever himself up with an arm and stop, but he couldn’t. He was leaning over the edge of the couch as he hacked up whatever gunk was still in his lungs, and he felt a soft hand against his back, rubbing and gently patting. “You’re okay, Rafa,” Liv whispered. He didn’t feel okay at all. He felt like he wasn’t ever going to be able to breathe again. “Shhh, just let it happen, it’s clearing your lungs out. I know it hurts.” She kept rubbing his back and murmuring to him, and a lot of gunk came out of his mouth. Liv handed him a tissue to spit into, and then she grabbed his inhaler. He felt better after that, sitting there and trying to recover. Liv pulled him back into her arms as he started to cry. 

“I hate this,” he whispered. 

“I know,” Liv whispered against his hair. “It’ll be over soon. Do you want to get a bath? You might feel better after you’re clean.” He didn’t respond right away, pressing his face against her shirt until he calmed down more. Then, he finally nodded. “Come on, I’ll get you set, and then I’m going to run to the grocery store and pick you up some stuff. What do you want?” 

“Applesauce and juice,” he said, and Liv snorted softly. It was what he always had when he was a little kid, and it brought him some sort of strange, familiar comfort. 

“Do you want more soup? Jello?” She asked, and he nodded. He was too tired to think about what he really wanted though. He just wanted a nap and to stop coughing. “Come on, let’s get you that bath.” 

Once he was sitting in the steaming water, he felt a little bit better, sinking down until just his head was above the water and finally managing to relax.

…………………….

Rafael was shifting around uncomfortably every few seconds. He couldn’t seem to sit still. It was the third day in a row where he had just been sitting on the couch, doing nothing all day. Liv thought that maybe he should go for a walk, but it was cold and the doctors told him to rest. Liv rolled her eyes when he said that, and he huffed. He was still coughing uncontrollably, and his fever was down but not gone. He felt achy and tired. He was watching a movie when Liv came into the room and took a seat by his feet. His shifted again, feeling the same annoying twinge in his neck. His back ached too, but it was his neck that was the worst. He rolled over, and Liv glanced at him. “Are you okay?” Liv asked. 

“My neck hurts,” he said softly, trying to stretch it. 

“Maybe you should get up,” Liv said, and he scowled. 

“Maybe you should rub it,” Rafael replied, narrowing his eyes. Liv sighed but shifted around so he could sit between her legs. “I want juice,” he said. 

“Fine,” Liv replied, going to the fridge. She came back with a juice box that he took, sliding onto the ground so she could help fix his neck. Her fingers were gentle as they started kneading his neck, but he hissed all the same. “Hold still,” Liv said softly. He focused on opening his juice box so he wouldn’t get too twitchy and annoy Liv. He took a sip of the juice, making a face. 

“Liv,” he grumbled. “I wanted apple juice. Who the hell drinks grape juice?” 

“Well as of now, you. I’m not running back out. You should have said that before,” Liv replied, continuing to work on the knot in his neck. 

“You’re mean,” he whispered. 

“Oh,” Liv said with a laugh. “Am I?” He pouted, sipping his grape juice as she kept massaging his shoulders before she moved down his back, working on the other sore muscles. “This is why I said you might want to move around a little more.” 

“I’m sick,” he whispered like that made any difference at all. 

“Trust me,” Liv whispered, “I’m aware.” 

……………………………

Rafael was curled up on his side, covered in blankets. He was half asleep, when he felt some tugging on the covers. “Jesus Christ, Rafael, share some,” Liv said. 

“Nooo,” he groaned, tightening his hold. “I’m cold.” Liv let go, and he heard a loud sigh. 

“Fine,” she whispered, scooting up so she was pressed right against his back, arms going around him. Then they were both under the blankets. He laid still for a while, but the shared body heat and the closeness started to bother him. He could feel himself starting to sweat. 

“Liv,” He whispered “I’m too hot.” 

“Maybe you should have thought of that before you refused to share blankets,” she replied, and he glared. 

“Liiiv, get off,” he whispered, but she didn’t move. “This is assault,” He whispered. 

“What, are you gonna charge me?” Liv asked. 

“Forcible touching,” he spat, and she snorted. 

“I’d like to see you try. Maybe I should arrest you for grand larceny, you blanket thief,” Liv said. 

“Necessity defense,” he countered. “I almost died. I need these blankets.” 

“You’re such a drama queen,” she whispered. 

“You love it,” he murmured back, shutting his eyes. 

“I certainly do,” Liv replied.

…………………………….

All Rafael felt was complete and utter panic. Coughs were wracking his body, and he couldn’t breathe at all. His chest felt tighter than before. Liv was up almost immediately, trying to calm him down as he continued to cough uncontrollably. He was feeling lightheaded and dizzy as the fit continued, and he tried to latch on to Liv’s voice. She was scrambling for his inhaler, but it was too late. He managed to grab the trashcan beside her bed as he started to throw up amidst the coughing. He couldn’t seem to stop even after vomiting, and Liv gently wiped his mouth, lifting the inhaler to his lips and helping him to administer the medicine. He was gasping for breath as the coughing finally began to die down, but he was sure it would be back with a vengeance in a few minutes. There was something in his lungs that needed to come out. He braced himself on the bed, trying to keep it under control. Liv rubbed his back. “Try to relax, I know it’s not easy.” 

“Liv,” he whispered, tears flooding his eyes. 

“Shh, I know,” she said. He started coughing again, shutting his eyes and wincing. His ribs hurt so bad. “Maybe we should go to the hospital,” Liv said softly as he continued to cough, and it was only getting worse. He was feeling lightheaded once more, and he was scared, but there was no way he was going back to that hospital. 

“Hot bath,” he managed to croak out, knowing the steam would help clear his lungs. Liv nodded, getting up, and he grabbed for a pillow, hugging it to his chest to try and stem some of the discomfort. Liv was back in a couple moments, helping him to his feet. He leaned on her on the way to the bathroom, feeling weak and shaky, and Liv helped him out of his clothes. He leaned against the wall while she stripped, lowering him into the warm water and sliding in behind him. He felt safer with her there, and the heat helped to relax him and open his lungs up. He was still coughing, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as before. He felt like he could breathe again. He leaned his head back against Liv, holding a warm towel over his face and breathing deeply. Liv rubbed a hand across his chest, kissing the curve of his shoulder. 

“It’s all going to be okay,” Liv whispered, and he nodded, shutting his eyes. 

………………………

Rafael smoothed his dress shirt down, feeling butterflies in his stomach as he completed the finishing touches. He was laying rose petals on the floor and lighting the candles when he heard Liv’s key in the lock. She had been called away at one in the morning, leaving him alone all day, waiting for her. It had been hard when she left. He had woken up when her phone went off, leaning over and pressing a kiss to her lips. He hadn’t wanted to let go of her. It scared him when she was called away in the early hours of the morning. He wondered what might happen to her out there. Liv had indulged him for a couple of moments before she started to pull away, looking down at his green eyes. She could always read him. Like always, he made her promise him she would be safe before he let her go. 

That had left him with a day to himself. He had spent the beginning moping around the apartment, getting himself something to eat. He was feeling so much better finally, and it was really an incredible relief to be nearly finished with the pneumonia. He was nearly back to himself, almost strong enough to return to work. When Liv finally called him, he felt a lot better, knowing she was fine. She told him she wouldn’t be home for hours though, and she sounded more than exhausted. He took some time to read a book before he decided he wanted to do something special. 

Now, he was standing there, in the room, waiting for Liv to come in the door. He had a rose in his hands, the table was set, the food ready, and the door opened, revealing the woman he loved. Liv didn’t look up immediately, stepping inside, eyes on her phone. She set her keys in the bowl that sat on the table beside the door, and he swallowed. “Rafa?” she called. “I’m sorry I’m late.” 

“Don’t worry about it,” he said, hoping she would look up and realize what was going on. Finally, her brown eyes left her phone, locking with his, and she stared for a moment. “Welcome home,” he whispered. 

“Rafa,” Liv said softly. “What--” 

“Here, let me take your coat,” he said, stepping toward her. He helped her out of her jacket, hanging it up before handing her the rose. “I--I uh, I’m used to taking care of myself, and I didn’t tell you I was sick. I’m sorry about that. You’re an important part of my life, and you deserved to know. You stood by me the whole time I was in the hospital and afterward, taking care of me when I was being a brat. I don’t know what I’d do without you, and I don’t ever want to find out.” There were tears shining in Liv’s eyes, and there were tears in his own. She threw her arms around him, and he clutched at her, glad that it had meant so much. 

“Oh, Rafael, I love you so much,” she whispered before slotting their lips together, her hand curled around the back of his neck. “Now that I have you, I’m not letting go any time soon,” Liv whispered against his lips, and he smiled, leaning in once more for another kiss. 

“I hope you’re hungry,” he said softly. “I made pork chops and rice, come on.” He led her into the room, pulling her chair out and pouring her a glass of wine before he started putting food on the plates. This dinner was well overdue. 

……………………….

Liv was sipping at a glass of wine, watching Rafael from across the table. He hadn’t ever done something nearly this thoughtful. He took her out to nice dinners all the time, and she had no doubts that he loved her. She hadn’t been complaining before either, but this was a whole other level. He had taken the time to cook her something, to set up a romantic dinner and dress up just to thank her and it meant the world to her. 

She couldn’t take her eyes off of him. She loved him more than anything in the entire world. He was finishing his food, saying something about wearing five layers when he went out shopping. She was too distracted by his shining green eyes, the eyes that she loved so much. They were the window to his heart, and she had been terrified she might never see them again, might never hear his voice, and it had shaken her to the core. He meant far more to her than she could have ever expected, and it was terrifying, She wanted to see him first thing every morning and right before she went to bed. She wanted to fight with him over the covers and debate what to get for dinner every night. She wanted a place that they could call theirs. Liv wanted him. “Rafa,” she whispered, and he looked up at her, taking a sip of his wine. “This entire thing has been so hard for me, and I never want it to ever happen again. Would, uh--could I ask you a serious question?” He stared at her for a second, setting his glass down. 

“Anything,” he said, his words ringing true in his eyes. He was looking at her raptly, awaiting her question. 

“I hate the mornings that I wake up and you’re not here. I was hoping that you might move in?” Liv asked softly, feeling her heart leap into her throat as she asked. He didn’t answer immediately, looking at her like he couldn’t believe she just asked that. She wasn’t sure if that was a good or a bad thing. 

“You want me to move in?” his voice was soft like a mouse, disbelieving. 

“I want you to move in,” Liv confirmed, watching as tears filled his ever expressive eyes, and she smiled. 

“Of course,” he finally said. “Yes.” He was up to his feet in moments, and Liv met him, pressing her lips against his own. It was desperate, all their feelings poured into it. His hand was heavy on her hip, keeping her close. “Yes,” he whispered again. She felt a buzz under her skin, and all she wanted to do was feel his. She grabbed two handfuls of his shirt, backing him up against the wall and swiping her tongue across his bottom lip so he would open up for her. Warmth was pooling at the pit of her stomach, and she needed him. 

“Let’s go celebrate,” she whispered, her past exhaustion completely forgotten. All she wanted now was him. 

“Let’s,” he said, face flushed, his arousal already evident. He grabbed his wine and the bottle, following her back toward her bedroom. Their bedroom. 


End file.
